Blessings

Yesterday a friend gave me a book that had come to him in the mail, "Blessings for Women With Cancer" - or something like that.  He asked me if I wanted it.  "Sure," I said.  Always happy to think about more blessings.

I'm not a very "religiousy" person - whatever that means - but I do make efforts to connect myself with the creative power of the universe.  So, for example, before I take my meds every day I say, "Blessed are you Adonai, Healing all beings and Maker of miracles."  It's quick and quiet and it keeps me aligned with the holiness of the journey.

The prayers that I found in the book were super long.  In fact, I would hesitate to call them "blessings" rather than meditations.  "Well," I thought, "who has time for this?"

Then I looked at the table of contents.  There was a section for every stage of the usual cancer journey - Diagnosis; Before Treatment; During Treatment; After Treatment.

Ugh.  Immediate shut down.  Fuck you, book, and your blessings.  For me, there will be no After Treatment. Treatment is life.  Treatment will continue for as long as I live, which, thanks to Treatment, will hopefully be so long that everyone will finally be tired of having me around, including me.

After I calmed down and realized that I really shouldn't be mad at the book, I realized that what I was doing from the moment that I opened the cover was looking for affirmation of what I already do. And  I saw quite clearly that right now, I'm really not searching for anything more. So for that, book, I thank you.