Starting my new trial tomorrow. Trying to be hopeful. Today during the closing service of Yom Kippur I had a glimpse of pure optimism. I saw myself well and free of worry. Thriving.
That was a great thirty seconds.
The truth is, I do have many reasons to expect that this trial will be successful. Too much medical vocabulary to explain precisely why that is, but it has to do with addressing the genetic mutation that emerged, making my first trial go from "major response" to basically no response after about 6 months.
So a long day ahead, filled with many knowns and fewer - but significant - unknowns. I know my peeps. I know where the snacks are. I know what my lunch choices will be. I don't know how I will feel after taking my first dose, nor do I know how it will be to spend a ten-hour day at the hospital. I got really good at it last year, but it's been awhile. And I'm in a kind of emotionally rocky state. Do I want company or not? I have no idea. In the meantime I'm bringing with me every possible pastime in my posession. Will I want to read? Watch movies? Grade papers? Plan classes? And can I trust my laptop and kindle to stick it out for the whole day, or do I need to bring chargers?
And was it a stupid idea to tell my spouse that I'll take myself to the hospital, and she can come later? Perhaps.
So many questions without answers, all of them covering up the big ones that I daren't even type.
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